Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize