I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
