Don't you send me to vm
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
