I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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