Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
