dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
