I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
