Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
