How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
