So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
