The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
