Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
