5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
