I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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