How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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