cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
