please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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