i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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