That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
