He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
