I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
