she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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