Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
