I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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