After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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