They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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