fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
