when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
