I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
