Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
