I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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