got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Randomize