After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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