we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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