This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My feet surprised me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
