If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
