i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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