Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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