if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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