You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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