Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
