I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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