sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
