Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
