My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
