Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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