Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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