i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
