There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im holly from the hills drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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