I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
