If that was your dad, he is hot
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
