you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
