I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
