Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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