dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize