I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
