I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
