the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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