I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize