well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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