I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
